The following is completely fake news written for satirical and entertainment purposes only. All sources are fake. All quotes are made up. It does not in any way, shape, or form express the political opinion or beliefs of the writer. It is definitely not meant as a slight towards our current, democratically-elected Commander in Chief.
[Dallas, TX] Frito-Lay North America (FLNA), manufacturer of Cheetos, has filed lawsuit against 45th President Donald Trump for debasing its famed cheese puff snack by using it as a self-tanning product. The lawsuit, filed in the Dallas, TX County Court on March 15, 2019, alleges that America’s Commander in Chief has been using the orange powder from Cheetos to achieve his “natural” orange glow. According to the official complaint, President Trump has been crushing bags of the popular snack and rubbing the resulting powder over various parts of his body.
Frito-Lay first became aware of the situation when it received an anonymous call from the White House Press Office on July 20, 2017. “I think Frito-Lay needs to look more closely into Trump’s tanning practices,” the caller, who sounded suspiciously like then-White House Press Secretary Jim Spicer, said. “Hint: Trump isn’t using Coppertone.”
Frito-Lay’s parent company, PepsiCo, used its considerable resources, including the vendors responsible for restocking the Pepsi and Frito-Lay products in the White House vending machines, to launch a full-scale investigation of these allegations. Eventually, President Trump was caught on camera purchasing multiple bags of Cheetos from the vending machine in the White House press room and carting them off into a nearby Men’s Room. Witnesses reported seeing Mr. Trump stomp on the bags vehemently before opening them up and rubbing them on his face just moments before a press conference.
“I’ve never seen such vile treatment of an innocent snack food,” said the vending machine restocker who witnessed the incident.
“It’s just terrible that a beloved American cheese food should be treated this way,” said a representative from Frito-Lay.
Investigation is underway to determine exactly how many bags of Cheetos have been violated, and whether this presidential violation is restricted to the White House, or extends to Trump Tower in New York City and Mar a Lago, aka The Winter White House in Palm Beach, FL.
No one knows how much of Trump’s body gets slathered in Cheeto dust, or how he gets the dust to stick. The JM Smucker Company has expressed fears their popular Crisco baking product, which melts into an oil, may be the mixing agent.
In the wake of the lawsuit, which includes a “cease and desist” order on behalf of Frito-Lay to stop the President from the further use of Cheetos as a tanning agent, Metamucil manufacturer Proctor & Gamble, and KraftHeinz, who manufactures Tang, are considering a White House boycott. Representatives from both companies have expressed concern that their products may suffer the same fate as Cheetos. KraftHeinz is also considering a preemptive lawsuit to prevent the use of their Country Time Lemonade powdered beverage to dye President Trump’s hair.
“While we fully appreciate the superlative dyes in our food products,” a representative from KraftHeinz stated, “We do not condone the use of artificial dyes on the human body. They are only meant to be ingested.”
“The use of food products for tanning or any other body or hair coloration is anti-capitalism,” added a representative from L’Oreal Paris. “Our skin and hair care experts are fully prepared to support all of President Trump’s needs.”